I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
