who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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