i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
