I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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