you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
