turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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