Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So many bounce houses so little time
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
