Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
