Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
