Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
