yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I love having hate sex.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
