Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
