so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
