i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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