i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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