The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
