It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
