from now on my penis is your penis
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
