just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
