i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Alive.
So much puke
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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