is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
