i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
God, I missed his penis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
