Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I could fuck to npr.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
