my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
