2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
