Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
