I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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