well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
