fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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