Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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