...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
