6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
If its not for food we ain't going out.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
