I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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