Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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