I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
