I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
