I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
