You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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