the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
