Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
