I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
