shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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