i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
