I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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