i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
