i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
