Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
