I think scott just propositioned me for sex
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
