i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
