Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
